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Teen Writers Critique Group

Teen Writers Critique Group

    Eclare Part 1: Lips Of An Angel: Chapter Three ***RATED M!!!***


    Posts : 100
    Join date : 2011-08-05
    Age : 20
    Location : USA

    Eclare Part 1: Lips Of An Angel: Chapter Three ***RATED M!!!*** Empty Eclare Part 1: Lips Of An Angel: Chapter Three ***RATED M!!!***

    Post by Hailey on Mon Sep 26, 2011 2:53 am

    I am seriously about to cry by how terrible this is. It’s a complete pile of rubbish. Sometimes I just want to give up writing.

    Wellll anyway, Mature for sexual stuff and language.

    It's really good to hear your voice saying my name; It sounds so sweet

    Eli held me close as I tried to calm down. I had finished sobbing hours ago, but recovering from the news was a whole different story. I had never been faced with something so terrible, so dangerous.

    “Clare?” Eli asked cautiously. He looked down at me, his green gaze loving.

    “I’m sorry I’ve kept you up.” I apologized, sitting up. Eli’s strong arms untangled from around me.

    “It’s nothing, baby. I’m so sorry.” He whispered and kissed my forehead gently. His voice was soothing, loving.

    “It’s not your fault. There is nothing we can do.” I admitted and looked down at my bed. The sheets were soft and white. I ran my hand over them, wishing I was a sheet. I couldn’t feel at all. It would be perfect.

    “Is there anything I can do to make it better?” Eli asked me, taking my hands in his. His eyes gazed into mine. Eli’s features were so… perfect. His eyes were such a gorgeous bright green. His smile was so sarcastic at times, but so comforting at others. Eli’s hair was a very dark brown, which some people could easily call black. It fell in his eyes, making him have that bad-boy look. I found it so mesmerizing.

    “Eli,” I took a deep breath and fiddled with my purity ring. I don’t even remember the point of it. It was useless now, a pointless restriction. I knew what I had to do. Right or wrong, it is what I needed. “I’m tired of it. There’s not point in staying pure anymore. I want…”

    “Clare,” Eli’s eyes grew wide. He looked absolutely shocked. “Are you sure?”

    “Yes,” I nodded and moved closer to him. “I am absolutely sure, Eli. There is no one else I would want to loose my virginity to than you.” I insisted and smiled.

    “I don’t have a condom with me.” Eli said, his face falling. He bit his lip.

    “That’s OK. I’ll be right back.” I breathed and stood up. I walked quietly downstairs and into the kitchen. I searched through the medicine cabinet and pulled out a pill bottle. It was my mom’s birth control, but I’m sure she wouldn’t notice if a couple pills got gone.

    I slowly climbed back up the stairs, nervous. My hands shook as I turned the door knob. Eli was stretched out on the bed, looking calm and patient. I took a deep breath and proceeded to walk over to him, closing the door behind me. I sat down beside him and smiled shakily.

    “Don’t be scared. If you want to stop just tell me.” Eli whispered and pulled my body close to his. This gave be a sense of relief and reminding that Eli cared about me.

    He pressed his lips to mine gently, wrapping his arms around my tiny body. His tongue slid in my mouth, coursing its way around. My lips met with his, our kissed filled with immense passion and fire. Eli’s hands gripped my shirt and tugged on it, obviously wanting it off, but asking permission. I pulled away, out of breath, and nodded, moving on top of him.

    “You don’t have to ask.” I assured, and smiled warmly. Eli nodded and pulled it over my head carefully. His eyes stared into mine gorgeously.

    Eli’s lips connected with mine, as I began to work his t-shirt off. He paused for a brief moment to let me remove it completely, and then we met each other again, my hands sliding down his strong chest. I knew how well-toned he was. It made me a little self conscious.

    “Don’t think about it,” Eli whispered. He caught me staring at his muscles, slightly intimidated. He slowly worked on unbuttoning and sliding my jeans down. “You’re so fucking gorgeous.”

    My lips collided with his yet again, Eli unbuttoning my bra skillfully. His lips trailed down my neck, leaving warm kisses down it until he settled on a spot and began to massage with his tongue. My hold on him tightened, as I closed my eyes. Arousing quickly, I let a small moan escape my lips. Quickly, I covered my mouth, embarrassed.

    “It’s OK,” Eli said, a smirk plastered on his face. “It’s sexy, actually.” He added and kissed lower, sliding the bra straps over my small shoulders. He laid petite kisses on the top of my shoulders. He then moved me so I was positioned under him, careful not to put too much weight down yet.

    At that moment it occurred to me that there was only a single piece of clothing still on me, and I was almost completely exposed. I started to get nervous yet again, knowing I was nothing compared to Julia. Even though she’d had a baby she still had it going on if you know what I mean. Julia knew it, too. She almost always was seen in tight, low-cut shirts and skinny jeans. I envied her for that reason, also. I wasn’t unfit by any means, but I just felt like nothing compared to her. Eli began to pick up on my emotions.

    “Clare, baby girl, if you want to stop we can.” He assured, his body pausing, waiting for an answer.

    “I’m fine.” I said and smiled warmly. I really wasn’t having doubts. I needed this. I needed him.

    Eli continued on and started to kiss my collar bone and suck on it, while his hands tenderly began to massage my breasts. The feeling was new to me, but it felt good. I relaxed and let a quiet moan slip out. My hands began to venture down to his jeans, which I noticed had gotten tighter. Fighting to unbutton them as quickly as possible, my hands unable function properly. With every kiss and touch I began to need him more. Thoughts about everything but him were vanished, as he began to tease my nipples with his teeth. At first, Eli was gentle, barley putting pressure on them. Soon enough he had my back arching up to him, my nails digging into his back. This is what I had been missing for so long. It’s what my friends had talked about, disgusted me about. Now I could see why they were so obsessed with this.

    “You ok?” Eli checked for the one millionth time. He watched me, as his fingertips trailed down my body.

    “I’m ok! If I’m not I’ll let you know.” I promised and smiled softly. My lips were a bright pink, like they always were when I was happy. My eyes shone, admiring his features. He was so flawless.

    Eli nodded and slowly slid his hand into places I’d never been touched before. It felt foreign as he began to slowly rub the outside of my panties, right over me. I began to breathe harder, unsure of the feeling. I didn’t object, but instead let him venture on. I had to remind myself that Eli knew what he was doing.

    “Do you want me to stop?” He asked, pausing and looking up at me.

    I shook my head and relaxed. Eli nodded and pulled my underwear down. A small, loving smile spread across his face. His eyes finally looked down my body, familiarizing with it. I tensed and looked away. Finally, Eli broke the silence.

    “You are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, every single part of you.”

    My heart started racing, my lips at a loss of words. I just nodded and looked up at him. I didn’t want to go with all the foreplay at the moment. That could be saved until next time. Right now all I needed was Eli. All I wanted was Eli.

    “Can we?”

    Eli nodded and said to me, “You know it is going to hurt really bad at first, right?”
    “I know, I’ll be fine.” I assured and took his hands in mine. I’d been told that the pain was awful, but it was only a one time ordeal. How bad could it be, honestly?

    “Ok, baby girl. If you want to stop at any time, just tell me.” Eli reminded and slid his own boxers off. He pressed his lips to mine gently, but I could tell there was some urgency and need in the kiss. It was obvious he’d be holding back the whole time, being careful with my body. Finally, he pulled away and went into me as easily as he could.
    But it hurt.
    So much more than I thought it would.

    Actually, the pain was so terrible I let out a cry of pain. Almost immediately, Eli wrapped his arms around me and pulled me close.

    “Shh, Clare, baby girl. It’s not going to hurt much longer. Do you want me to stop? I will just tell me.” Eli soothed, his thumb wiping away the tears that peeked out of the corner of my eyes.

    “No,” I breathed. “Please don’t stop. I’ll be fine. It’ll be better soon.” I convinced myself. I really didn’t want Eli to stop. I just wanted the pain to stop.

    Eli nodded and began to slowly thrust inside of me. The pain began to increase as he moved, and I just held onto him. I could tell it felt good on him, but he was trying not to show it too much. It was hard for him though, and I wondered why he tried to hide his pleasure. Maybe he felt bad or something.

    Before long, the sharp pain was replaced with a nice, warm feeling. My lips began to tremble, pleasure taking over my body.

    “Faster, Eli, please.” I begged. I could hear him chuckle and then felt his movement become harder and quicker. My insides felt strange, but amazing. I moaned loud, wrapping my legs around his waist. As I did this, I heard Eli groan, his jaw clenching. He gripped the bed beside me, obviously about reach his peak.
    I felt him push deeper inside me and release. As he did this, his name was screamed from my lips. My teeth sunk into his neck, which I had been teasing. As soon as he’d regained himself, he pulled away from me and looked down. I was gasping for air, my smile huge. I was new. I wasn’t a virgin anymore. I was part of Eli and he was part of me.

    Eli moved off of me and pulled my body into his arms. He held me so close, so tight. I rested my forehead in the crook of his neck and smiled, feeling the closest I ever had to him.

    “Are you okay?”

    “I’m perfect.”

    “Was it okay,” Eli asked, straightening some. “I mean, was I okay?”

    “You were perfect,” I answered honestly. “There isn’t anything that could have been better.”

    “I’m glad. Clare, I’m not sure what I would do without you. You’ve helped me through everything. I love you.” Eli insisted, his arms staying wrapped around me. He pressed his lips to my temple.

    I froze. He was so goddamn perfect and there were only four words to explain how I felt about him.

    “I love you too.” I admitted and looked up at him, my red curls falling into my eyes. It was such an amazing moment. Nothing could change that.

    We cuddled for a good while, making silly comments about each other and then Eli cleared his throat.

    “Can I ask you something serious?” He questioned.

    “You can always ask me anything.” I said and smiled softly.

    “What’s one thing that you’ve always kept hidden and to yourself?” Eli asked, pulling his lips from my forehead to look at me.

    “The fact that I’ve always had a thing for you and the day you told me Julia was pregnant I lost my hope.” I admitted, not looking him in the eye.

    “Clare… I’m so sorry that you had to be a second mom to Bella.” Eli said and looked deep into my eyes. I just shook my head.

    “What’s one thing that you’ve always kept hidden and to yourself?” I asked, wanting to know what he would say.

    “Sometimes- a lot of times- I wish that it was you lying beside me and not Julia.” Eli confessed and looked out the window.

    “Eli…” I breathed, remembering that he wasn’t all mine. Remembering that he’d done what we just did so many times with Julia.

    “Clare,” Eli said and took my hands in his. “Please don’t ever give up on me. I’ve screwed up so many times and you and Bella are the only things that keep me sane.”

    I smiled to myself and said, “Eli. You’re not sane.”

    Eli laughed and started to tickle me, holding me down. I squealed and tried to push him off of me, but failed. I started to laugh and tried to shield my body from him.

    Eli’s phone began to ring, so he abandoned me to answer it.

    “Hello… with Clare… Hanging out… Julia, please, you just-”

    I frowned, knowing I had probably kept him out too late. Julia was probably calling to steal Eli away from me.

    “Fine. Alright… bye.” Eli said and hung up.

    “Let me guess, Julia need you home right away?” I asked, my smile fading.

    “She wants to go out with some friends. She’s gonna drop Bella off here on her way up there then I’ll leave.” Eli said, his eyes caring, but tired.

    “You don’t have to leave.” I told him.

    “I’m not going to stick you with a 2-year-old and me,” Eli said and smiled. “But thank-you, anyway.”

    “Eli! You know I love Bella. It’s no big deal, honestly.” I said and looked at him hopeful.

    “Are you sure?” Eli asked. I nodded, a big grin spreading across my face.

    “Fine. You win.”

    “I always do.”

    Julia was there shortly, and a little 2-year-old climbed out of the car into Eli’s arms. She was adorable- and half asleep. I smiled, waiting by the door. I was in my pajamas already. Eli had gotten redressed, even though he was going to change later. He gave Julia a quick kiss, and then she drove off.

    Eli turned to me and said, “You ready for bed?”

    “Yeah.” I said and smiled. Bella’s small body clung to Eli. He was such a security to her.

    “Daddy, I want to stay with Clare.” Bella’s small voice said, her eyes searching for me. I smiled and walked over to Eli and her. Bella’s tiny arms stretched out towards me. I took her from Eli.

    “That can be arranged.” Eli said, his classic smirk revealed on his face. Bella laid her head on my shoulder, and held onto my t-shirt. Eli led us upstairs to my room and smiled. I sat down on the bed and laid Bella down, taking off her shoes. Eli went into the bathroom, changing into a pair of pajama’s he had here. I smiled and lay down beside Bella.

    “Goodnight, Bella.” I said and kissed her forehead. I turned out the nightstand lamp and heard Eli come out of the bathroom. He lay down on the other side of Bella and kissed both our foreheads.

    “Goodnight, Clare. Goodnight, Daddy.” Her small voice said.

    “Goodnight baby girl.” Eli whispered, making himself comfortable.

    “I love you Daddy.”

    “I love you too.” He said and chuckled.

    “I love you Clare.” Bella whispered and snuggled up beside me. Her small hands held mine as she fell fast asleep. Then I heard Eli whisper something to me.

    “I love you.”

    Coming from the lips of an angel; Hearing those words it makes me weak

    Last edited by Hailey on Thu Sep 29, 2011 4:29 am; edited 1 time in total

    Posts : 216
    Join date : 2011-08-03
    Age : 25
    Location : Scotland

    Eclare Part 1: Lips Of An Angel: Chapter Three ***RATED M!!!*** Empty Re: Eclare Part 1: Lips Of An Angel: Chapter Three ***RATED M!!!***

    Post by Emma on Mon Sep 26, 2011 2:00 pm

    I personally think this is actually really good! Seriously. The pace is great and everything flows nicely. Your character act logically, but at the same time, have moments when they give in to emotion - you've got the perfect balance here.

    I only have a few small issues.

    Firstly (I think I mentioned this last time too) your dialogue punctuation needs work.

    Speech tags (which show how the dialogue is said) are things such as "he said", "she said", "they whispered", "I replied", etc. These generally need to be separated from the dialogue by a comma.

    Action tags are things which explain the actions which occur surrounding the dialogue. These, on the other hand, are separated from the dialogue by a full stop.

    At the moment, you have these reversed (ie. you are separating speech tags with full stops and action tags with commas).

    For example:

    “I’m sorry I’ve kept you up.” I apologized, sitting up.

    The "I apologized" is a speech tag, because it shows that Clare is saying this in an apologetic way.
    So, it should actually be:

    "I'm sorry I've kept you up," I apologized, sitting up.

    Another example:

    “Clare,” Eli’s eyes grew wide.

    Eli's eyes growing wide have nothing to do (directly) with the way in which he says "Clare". It doesn't tell us whether he is saying his dialogue fearfully, happily, sadly, etc. It just tells us what he is doing at the time. Hence, this is an action tag and show be separated from the dialogue by a full stop.

    “Clare.” Eli’s eyes grew wide.

    It is really important that you get this fixed up, but it can sometimes be a bit confusing otherwise. If you think what I've said is incorrect/wrong, then just tell me!


    Now, to my second problem. This one again concerns your dialogue tags (specifically your speech tags). To put is simply, you are relying on them too much. You are telling rather than showing.
    It's not that bad what you've done, but it could still be improved a tinsy bit Smile

    Because I'm lazy and I'm being harassed by mum to get down stairs and hang up the laundry, I'm going to direct you here:

    Seriously, read it! It's not very long but it has taught me heaps because I used to be really bad at this!! Your writing is actually fantastic compared to how mine used to be...

    I hope this helped. If you disagree with anything I've said or have questions, just tell/harass me! Very Happy

    Good luck!

      Current date/time is Tue May 21, 2019 3:07 pm